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An In-Depth Study Of A Pioneer Of The contemporary Missionary Movement - Case Study Of William Carey

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It is incontrovertible that Christianity was a working missionary convention for a thousand years from the days of the apostles. The Church initially won the Roman Empire from heathenism to Christianity in the first four centuries of its history. The advancing hordes of barbarians were subsequently conquered. Unfortunately, after the tenth century, church, state, pope and emperor fought for supremacy. A sad realization is that the missionary spirit declined, though it was not entirely lost. The Reformation did not beyond doubt increase the church but was more implicated with efforts to purify and reorganize the church. In the later age of the Reformation, the first widespread efforts to Christianize the heathen was were made, not by Protestants, but by Roman Catholics. It was beyond doubt embarrassing to Protestants to hear that Roman Catholic missionaries were "writing off the Protestant movement because it was not sending missionaries" (Winter 1999, 212). The Moravians began to produce foreign missions by 1932. It is believed that in proportion to its small membership at home, no other denomination has maintained as many missions as the Moravian Church. Writers contest the beloved view that British missions began with Carey. It is argued that "strictly speaking, this is not correct" (Kane 1975, 81). The community for the Propagation of the Gospel in Foreign Parts are cited as supportive evidence. However, the point of this in-depth study is that Carey brought a veritable revolution in missionary thinking and planning. Carey realized that "at the very heart of the Church''s vocation in the world is the declaration of the kingdom of God inaugurated in Jesus the Lord, crucified and risen" (Scherer and Bevans 1992, 73). This truth is beyond doubt the lifeblood of missionary inspiration and endurance. Carey himself expressed the connection:

When I left England, my hope of India''s conversion was very strong. But among so many obstacles, it would die, unless upheld by God. Well, I have God, and His Word is true. Though the superstitions of the heathen were a thousand times stronger than they are, and the example of the Europeans a thousand times worse, though I were deserted by all and persecuted by all, yet my faith, fixed on the sure Word, would rise above all obstructions and overcome every trial. God''s cause will triumph (Piper 1993, 14).

2.0 Short History Of The Early Life Of Carey

William Carey was born in Paulerspery, Northamptonshire, England on August 17, 1961 (Encyclopaedia Britannica, 15th ed., s.v. "William Carey"). Great men beyond doubt have humble beginnings. There is wee data about young Carey while his teen years.

He initially worked with his father and at the age of fourteen he apprenticed himself to Clarke Nichols, shoemaker at Hackleton, where he worked for twelve years. At the age of eighteen, he was led through the affect of a pious fellow apprentice (John Warr) to the faith in Christ and became an earnest Christian and preacher of the gospel. He left the Church of England and began preaching in colse to Churches. At twenty-six, Carey was "formally ordained by John Sutcliff, John Ryland and Andrew Fuller" (Kane 1975, 84).

On May 19, 1781, three weeks before William and Dorothy were married in Piddington, members of the colse to Hackleton Meeting House organized themselves into a church. The members had been meeting for worship as dissenters for fourteen years. The Carey marriage coincided with the beginnings of their involvement in this new Hackleton Church. When Carey applied for membership with the Baptist Church in Olney, it took a year before this call was recognized. In 1786, he became pastor of the Baptist Church at Moulton. Although he was progressing spiritually, it is worth mentioning that "three children arrived in the Carey family while their five years in Moutlon: Felix, 1795; William, 1798? And Peter 1789" (Beck 1992, 47). It is therefore obvious that care for the growing family consumed Dorothy''s time and energy.

In his intense desire to learn, Carey often borrowed books he could not afford to buy returning them after mastering their contents. It is provocative to note that "in order to study the Bible better, he went beyond Latin to learn Greek and Hebrew. Then he added Dutch and French" (Harold 1967, 55). In his office was a crude leathern globe with the continents and the nations of the world, on which he had traced the travels of explorer Captain Cook, England''s idol of the hour. It was "China. Burma. Africa! Or he stared at the map on the wall. ''Captain Cook. Tahiti. Australia. Botany Bay" (Beka 1993, 83).

3.0 The Dawn Of A New Era

Carey challenged the hyper-Calvinist view, prevalent among British Baptists that "God would bring the nations to Christ without human assistance" (Anderson 1998, 115). In other words, he "contended against a theology which supposed that the commission had been repealed" (Hedlund 1985, 210). As he studied the Scriptures, Carey noted that "it was the church''s company to take these [heathen] habitancy the Gospel... Others did not agree" (Cook 1967, 55). It is admitted that although a few shared his vision, "among them John Sutcliff, Andrew Fuller, Samuel Pearce and others, even they counseled caution and delay in the performance of the plan" (Kane 1975, 85). The beloved inventory has been re-echoed that the elder Dr. John Ryland rebuked Carey for his missionary zeal when he retorted: "Young man, sit down, sit down. You''re an enthusiast. When God pleases to change the heathen he will do it without your aid or mine" (Houghton 1980, 203).

3.1 The Enquiry

Carey''s missiological pamphlet, An Enquiry into the Obligations of Christians to use Means for the Conversion of the Heathens (1792), vehemently argued that Christians should undertake evangelistic missions overseas. It is provocative to survey that the full title suggests a much longer publication than it turned out to be: An Enquiry into the Obligations of Christians to use Means for the Conversion of the Heathens, in Which the Religious State of the dissimilar Nations of the World, the success of former Undertakings, and the Practicability of additional Undertakings are Considered. As he observed, "no wonder books of that day did not heed a table of contents. The title told all" (Beck 1992, 62). Indeed, "there is theology in Carey''s pamphlet and there is history and there is demography" (Walls 1996, 243). A principal test of Carey''s Enquiry reveals that it was beyond doubt "a landmark in Christian history and deserves a place alongside Martin Luther''s Ninety-five Theses in its affect on subsequent church history" (Kane 1982, 147).

In the first section Carey asked the rhetorical question, is the Great Commission still binding? He forcefully argued that baptism stop if Christians are unwilling to go because both commands form a unified whole in Matthew 28. He believed that the so-called insurmountable barriers to missions (travel, language and climate) have all been conquered by English traders, the Moravians and Roman Catholics. Section 2 surveyed the Book of Acts as he reviewed the apostolic missionary journeys, both canonical and traditional. He traced the efforts of true missionaries to bring the gospel to Britain implying that even his readers would not yet have been believers if all former generations of Christians had treated the Great Commission as the English Baptists were treating it. Section 3 set out in tabular form Carey''s assessment of the state of the world in relation to the Gospel. These displays of data foreshadowed missiologists such as Patrick Johnstone who have in more recent years assembled similar material about the state of Christianity in the world at large. He observed that those who did not have the Bible were branch to tragic conditions such as cannibalism and human sacrifice. Section 4 is an test of the impediments to taking the Gospel to the heathen. The first was distance. Carey argued that recent advances in the science of the mariner had removed this barrier. A second was the barbarous and savage manner of living of the heathen. Carey''s response was that it could only be an objection to those unwilling to expose themselves to inconveniences for the good of others. A fourth objection was the danger complicated in going overseas. Carey noted that Paul and Barnabas were not afraid of being killed. A fourth objection complicated the mystery of obtaining the necessities of life. Carey wrote that the minister is not his own; he is a slave of God. The final objection had to do with language. Carey was sure that any language on earth could be learned in a year or two. His own taste with language had already been demonstrated that fact since "no second Pentecost was needed, only hard work. Missionaries would learn the language best by mingling with the people" (Beck 1992, 65). The pamphlet concludes with a plea for ongoing, united prayer.

It is obvious therefore that the publication argued convincingly that "the New Testament command to ''preach the Gospel to every creature'' was as binding upon the Christians of his day as it was upon the apostle" (DuBose 1979, 22).

3.2 Epoch-making sermon

On May 31 1792, Carey preached his epoch-making sermon before a group of Baptist ministers at Kettering on the text ''Enlarge the borders of thy tent'' (Is. 54:2-3). The divisions of the sermon were: Expect great things from God and endeavor great things for God. Although it was an unusual text for a missionary sermon, "Carey had carefully to petition for missions" (Cook 1967, 56).

3.3 The Baptist Missionary Society

Although Carey pleaded for observation after the sermon had a profound follow on his hearers, action was not immediate. He did not relent. Four months later, he pressed again for action but the brethren wavered again. At the crucial moment, where all hope seemed gone, Carey took a booklet entitled Periodical inventory of Moravian Missions from his pocket. With tears in his eyes and a tremor in his voice he said these sublime words: "If you had only read this and knew how these men overcame all obstacles for Christ''s sake, you would go transmit in faith" (Kane 1982, 147). The men agreed and the minutes of the meeting report their decision to form ''The single Baptist community for Propagating the Gospel among the Heathen. The Baptist Missionary Society, formed in 1792, was the British community organized especially for foreign missionary work. This community "was founded at Kettering, England with an introductory fund of a wee over thirteen pounds" (Cairns 1981, 402).

4.0 Carey In India

The first field of the Baptist Missionary community was India and Carey was the most sublime missionary. Although the obstacles seemed insurmountable, he arrived in India in 1793 initially settling in the Danish colony at Serampore, about fifteen miles up the Hoopghley River from Calcutta. He would have adored to work in British India but was refused passage by the East India company which regarded the nearnessy of missionaries as a threat to the peace and safety of its possessions. Even though he preached for seven years before he got his first native convert, he did not linger. He was faced with other challenges: "His child died. His wife was a burden... He got pessimistic, depressing letters back from England" (Beka 1993, 87). He perservered, even when a fool might have known the battle was lost. He completed a translation of the New Testament, setting a suitable prose and an arrangement of Sanskrit borrowings which has affected Bengali prose to this hour. Tying Krishna Pal to a tree, John Thomas joined him to pray for his broken leg. Krishna was healed, converted and baptized in the River Hoogly. When invited to dinner, he ate beef with foreigners, thereby astonishing a hard blow at an old and paralyzing religious doctrine of Ahimsa (the Buddhist religious doctrine that all living things are one and are sacred and thus the animals have possession just like humans).

At the height of lonely labours, Carey was joined by four British missionaries (Joshua Marshman and William War, and their wives). Marshman was an educator. Hannah, his wife, started a school for girls which was a perilous thing to do since the status of a woman in India was ridiculously low. Ward was a printer, producing what Carey translated. The translations of the latter came so fast that habitancy began to call him the Wycliffe of the East. He not only translated or guided the translation of Indian classics, preserving thereby a wealth of antique prose and poetry, but also created dictionaries and grammars, so that even the humblest and the lowest might read. Chance the pages of the Bible to all India, he is also responsible for thirty one million pages of the Old and New Testaments in the language of the East. Before his death, he translated the Bible or parts of it into forty dialects and languages. Mission promoters daubed Carey, Marshman and Ward, in a unique partnership as the Serampore Trio. Carey spent well over half his time working as a Professor of Bengali and Sanskrit at Fort William College, Calcutta. In partnership with any veteran colleagues and scores of Judian pundits, he complete much of the areas of philology, Bible translation (into dozens of languages), orientalism, literacy, instruction (founding Serampore College in 1818), publishing, technology, relief work, public reform, botany, evangelization and mission promotion. Supportive evidence is presented justifying Carey as knowledgeable in Science, Mechanical Engineering, Economics, Medicine, Printing Technology, Mass Communication, Literature, Education, Mathematics, Indian Forestry, public Science, public Administration, Indian religious doctrine and History (Mangalwadi and Mangalwadi 1999).

5.0 Carey''S Legacy

It is worth mentioning that Carey had a major flaw. This may have resided in his wee capacities for domestic relationships. He "did not seem to give a lot of concentration to his wife and sons" (Beck 1992, 138).

The above notwithstanding, Carey was beyond doubt a philanthropist, benefactor and humanitarian. He was able to put into follow the earlier Protestant principles:

i. widespread teaching of the Gospel

ii. Aiming at personal conversion

iii. Distribution of the Bible in local languages

iv. Study of the culture of the habitancy and

v. Making ready of an indigenous church with national leadership as soon as possible (Fuller 1980, 18).

With the aid of Indians and Englishmen, he filed a report with Lord Bentick, finest of India''s governors, that resulted in a law abolishing widow-burning (suttee). He had seen babies exposed in baskets in the trees, exposed to the pitiless sun and deadly white ants. He also saw them torn from their mothers and thrown to alligators and sharks. He was also influential in stopping baby sacrifice. After he saw a leper burned alive in 1812, he did not rest until he had brought about the Making ready of a hospital for lepers in Calcutta, the first in India. This sublime Professor of Sanskrit was honoured in a government college by the very government that tried to keep him from preaching in India. Although he died like a humble patriarch in 1834, "seeds blew from his orchad on the wings of the wind, taking root in far-off unexpected places" (Horton 1993, 89). It is provocative to survey that "when Carey launched the modern missionary movement colse to 1800, the world''s habitancy was about 900 million" (Wagner 1974, 3).

A fitting tribute is paid to Carey attributing the formation of the under mentioned missionary societies largely through his labors and letters:

The London Missionary community (1795), the Scottish and Glasgow Missionary Societies (1976), the Netherlands Missionary community (1797), the Church Missionary community (1799), the British and Foreign Bible community (1804), the American Board of Commissioners for Foreign Missions (1810), the American Baptist Missionary Union (1814) and the American Bible community (1816) (Kane 1982, 148).

Carey''s affect "led women in Boston to form women''s missionary prayer groups, and women ultimately became the main custodians of mission knowledge and motivation" (Hiebert 1985, 286). single women began to go abroad as missionaries and by 1865 they had organized mission boards operated entirely by women.

6.0 Conclusion

It is true that serious missionary attempts had earlier taken place among English colonists in Northern America where John Eliot (1604-90), and the Mayhew family (first Thomas, Jr. [1621-57], and then his father, Thomas, Sr. [1593-1682] has led to the some Christian conversions among Algonquian-speaking Indians of Massachusetts and the Native Americas on Martha''s Vineyard and Nantucket. It is indubitable however that what began with Carey was "cross-cultural outreach with single-minded missionary purpose" (Noll 2000, 279).

Who then was William Carey? It is therefore incontrovertible that, among other things,
He was a pioneer of the modern missionary movement of the west, reaching out to all parts of the world; a pioneer of the Protestant Church in India; and the translator and publisher of the Bible in forty dissimilar Indian languages. Carey was an evangelist who used every medium to illuminate every dark facet of Indian life with the light of truth. He is the central character in the story of the modernization of India (Mangalwadi and Mangalwadi 1999, 528).

Indeed, Carey is extremely revered by generations of Bengalis for his contributions to the renaissance of their culture. In many respects Carey restored the gospel to its central place in Christianity. In this foremost sense, it recovered an element in the Holy Catholic church that the Reformation had obscured. It is a truism that "this catholicity began on Carey''s workshop map, [and] reached out to embrace new peoples in many new lands" (Shelley 1982, 402). I endorse the consulation that "few will wish to deny him the title of ''Father of modern Missions''" (Kane 1975, 86).

Works Cited

Anderson, Gerald H. Ed. 1998. Biographical dictionary of Christian missions. Grand Rapids, Michigan:

William B. Eerdmans Publishing.

Beck, James R. 1992. Dorothy Carey: The tragic and untold story of Mrs. William Carey. Grand Rapids,

Michigan: Baker Book House.

Cairns, E. 1981. Christianity through the centuries: History of the Christian Church. Grand Rapids,

Michigan: Zondervan Publishing House.

Cook, Harold R. 1967. Highlights of Christian missions: A history and survey. Chicago: Moody Press.
DuBose, Francis M. Ed. 1979. Classics of Christian missions. Nashville, Tennessee: Broadman Press.
Fuller, Harold. 1980. Mission-church dynamics. Pasadena, California: William Carey Library.
Hedlund, Roger E. 1985. Anthropological insights for missionaries. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Baker Book

House.

Houghton, S.M. 1980. Sketches from church history. Edinburgh: Banner of Truth Trust.

Horton, Beka. 1993. Book of the revelation: Church history. Pensacola, Florida: Pensacola

Christian College.

Kane, J. Herbert. 1975. A global view of Christian mission: From Pentecost to present. Grand Rapids,

Michigan: Baker Book House.

___________________ 1982. Comprehension Christian missions. 3rd ed. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Baker

Book House.

Mangalwadi, Ruth & Vishal Mangalwadi. 1999. Who (really) was William Carey? In Perspectives of the

World Christian Movement: A reader, 195-213.

Pasadena, California: William Carey Library.

Noll, Mark A. 2000. Turning points: Decisive moments in the history of Christianity. 2nd ed. Grand Rapids,

Michigan: Baker Academic.

Piper, John. 1993. Let the nations be glad: The supremacy of God in missions. Grand Rapids,Michigan:

Baker Book House.

Scherer, James A. And Stephen B. Bevans. Eds. 1992. New directions in mission and evangelism 1: Basic

statements 1974-1991. Maryknoll, New York: Orbis Books.

Shelley, Bruce. 1982. Church history in plain language. Dallas: Word Publishing.

Wagner, C. Peter. 1974. Stop the world: I want to go on. Pasadena, California: William Carey Library.

Walls, Andrew F. 1996. The missionary movement in Christian history: Studies in the transmission of faith.

Maryknoll, New York: Orbis Books.

Winter, Ralph D. 1999. The kingdom strikes back: ten epochs of redemptive history. In Perspectives on

the world Christian movement: A reader, 195-213. Pasadena, California: William Carey Library.

(c) Oliver Harding 2008

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Practical Things to Say and Do When Someone Dies

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Oh no, a friend I know just died. My heart is on the floor. Tears sting my eyes. What can I do? What can I say? How can I help? The death of a friend or relative puts the brakes on to our busy world. We have an urgent need to "DO SOMETHING----ANYTHING!" We find ourselves wringing our hand, afraid we might cause more hurt. Not knowing how to show our love and concern, we may opt for doing nothing rather than "intruding on their grief." I'd like to share something important with you. Survivors tell me it helps so much to have others reach out to them. Most of them are very glad you cared enough to try.

For over twenty one years, I listened to people share their hurts and frustrations as they journey through the mourning process. I volunteered with Fox Valley Hospice for five years and supported bereaved families as the Bereavement Care Director at Conley Funeral Home in Elburn, Illinois. I looked for ways to help them concretely express their grief. When I followed up on them at regular intervals in the year following the death, the bereaved told me the BEST thing a person can do for someone they care about is simply: BE THERE---period! You don't have to say or do a thing.

Survivors tell me over and over how a hug or heartfelt handshake is remembered more than any words. Even though we know we don't really need to say anything, we still would feel more comfortable if we had a thought or two in our back pocket-just in case. From my reading and experience with "those who have been there" I compiled a list of helpful thoughts. You can also write words similar to these on a card going off in the mail. The thoughts are short and simple. Survivors have so much to think about that many times it is difficult for them to be aware of what is happening around them. It is best to keep comments brief. At the end of the article, there is a list of hints on what not to say. Survivors shared with me that hearing these things from those who came to comfort can actually cause more hurt and confusion. Helping people is one of the things life is all about. So go to your friend with confidence, knowing that your presence will bring comfort, even if your words are not remembered.

WHAT TO SAY

The best advice I ever received when trying to think of something to say when there really wasn't anything to say was, "Simply say what you are feeling." Try to put into words the pain and loss you are feeling your self rather than assuming what the other person is feeling. Let the survivor express his thoughts and feelings to you first. This gives him a sense that you are really listening and trying to understand. After you listen you will have a better understanding of how to respond. The following suggestions can be put in your own words.

o What a tragedy this is for you and your family.
o I heard about what happened and just had to come
o I hate it that this had to happen.
o How terribly hard this must be for all of you.
o I feel so bad about all the suffering (Name) had to go through.
o I was just shocked when I heard the news.
o I can't imagine what you are going through.
o My heart hurts for all of you.
o Tears came to my eyes when I read the obituary.
o I feel just terrible about what happened.
o What an awful loss to our community.
o There's a big hole now in my life.
o The world will never be the same without (Name).
o (Name) had such a great smile, personality etc. I will really miss him/her.
o I enjoyed working together with (Name). He always made the tasks easier, more fun etc.
o (Name) had such a wonderful way of making everyone he met feel special.
o I'm going to miss (Name) so much.
o I remember when...(happy memory here)

WHAT TO DO

Nature provides a wonderful, natural "tool" to help the bereaved get through the first hours and days after the death of someone they love. It's called shock. When our friends are in shock, they find it difficult to think and feel. The day to day necessities of life are difficult to handle. When you are looking for ways to help your friend, be practical. The following list will need to be adapted according to the friendship you have established with the family. You will need to use your own thoughtful discernment regarding the appropriateness of these suggestions.

WHEN YOU FIRST HEAR

Determine whether the family would appreciate a call from you at this time or just a thoughtful little note tucked in their door saying how much the family is in your thoughts since you heard the news. In the note, you can offer several suggestions for helping the family our, such as:

o Washing the cars inside and out.
o Answering the phone.
o Polishing shoes
o Keeping track of children, driving them to lessons etc.
o Gathering information, (flight plans etc.)
o Picking up relatives from the airport
o Grocery shopping or other errands
o Caring for pets
o Bringing over snacks and/or a meal
o Staying at the home to receive gifts of food and/or flowers, recording who they are from

PREPARING FOR VISITATION

GIFTS

o Rather than sending cut flowers to the funeral home, why not send a plant that can be replanted outside to your friends' home?
o Choose a picture frame, figurine or piece of jewelry in memory of the loved one to give to your friend.
o Prisms that make rainbows throughout the room when the sun shines make a lasting gift of hope and beauty.
o Monetary gifts made to the designated memorial funds are greatly appreciated.
o Make up "quiet bags" for the young children. At visitations kids don't have much to do. They don't enjoy talking with relatives. You will be a hero to them and their parents if you provide a little relief. Buy a few inexpensive quiet toys for them to play with during those long hours. (Pad of paper and pencil, a small stuffed animal to hold for comfort, magnetic games or quiet contained puzzles, white boards.
o Make a memory book of blank pages that friends and family can fill in for a valued keep-sake. Ask people you see at visitation or at the luncheon afterwards to write their thoughts and memories. Make a pretty cover for it or use a fun photograph.
o Make a photo album of photos of you and your friend. Everyone appreciates photos of their loved ones.

SERVICES TO OFFER

o Offer to "house sit" during the visitation hours or the funeral where you can answer the phone and door. Keep good messages.
o Offer to coordinate the luncheon.
o Offer to clean up after the luncheon.
o Offer to sit with small children during the funeral at the funeral.
ATTENDING THE VISITATION
o Attend the visitation and offer a warm handshake or a hug.
o Bring a note with special memories and/or attributes of the person who died.
o Don't be afraid to show your own tears. They show the survivors that you care too. Their loved one did not live in vain.
THE FUNERAL OR MEMORIAL SERVICE
o When you help out by taking food, be sure to put your name and phone number on the container. Better yet, send it in a disposable container. (When preparing food, it would be especially thoughtful to consider any of the survivors who may be on a special diet). Also when you prepare food, choose something that will be especially comforting to eat like a hot noodle or potato dish.
o Offer to return food containers to their owners after the luncheon.
o Offer to bring the paper and plastic products for the luncheon after the funeral.
o Offer to bring more chairs if needed.

WHAT NOT TO SAY

When someone dies, the mourners are often confused and hurt. They are experiencing a variety of feelings which make them feel especially vulnerable. It is best to not offer any explanations about the death, assume how they are feeling or even encourage them to look on the bright side. Let them take the lead with these thoughts. What they want most is to be accepted and given the right to express their thoughts and concerns without judgment. In time mourners can usually see past insensitive remarks to the heart behind the words. If you have said any of the following in the past, forgive yourself, knowing that you did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time. Your intentions came from a heart full of love. That's what really counts. Vow to never say them again.

o It must have been his time. (most survivors are not ready to hear this yet-they are still wanting the person to be alive and with them)
o She lived a good life. (this does not give the survivor the room to have different feelings)
o It must have been God's will. (This comment can cause anger toward God, pointing the blame and causing the survivor to feel guilty for being angry at a loving God.)
o If he wouldn't have been out that late, he would be alive right now. (This comment is blaming the victim and not bringing comfort to the survivors.)
o She wouldn't want you to be so sad. (People hurt when someone dies because they loved him/her. It's natural and healthy to feel sad. None of us like to be told what or what not to feel.)
o When a child dies please don't say, "You're young, you can have more children." (This comment minimizes the death. No child can ever take the place of another.)
o I know just how you feel, my dog died last month. (Most parents will in no way relate to that.)
o At least you have other children. (Again, there's a hole that no child can replace.)
o It's probably for the best. (A survivor is so overwhelmed with feelings of grief, that his comment is usually misunderstood.)
o God must have wanted a baby angel. (Parents cannot understand how God would want their child more than they do)
o I know just how you feel. (Even though you may have had a similar experience, you are not this person. There are multiple factors influencing each individual circumstance and therefore you cannot know how someone else is feeling.)
o Just keep looking for the positives. (A griever usually cannot be at this point in his mourning for many weeks following the death.)
o You just sit there and let me take care of everything. (Making decisions is helpful in the recovery process of grief-let survivors make as many as they can.) NOTE: While giving someone valium may sound like a good idea at the time, the drug or one like it can dull feelings that will still need to be dealt with eventually. It is important to a person's well being that they are active participants with as sharp a mind as possible.

DON'T SAY THE FOLLOWING TO CHILDREN
o Look at how peacefully she is sleeping. (Children take most things literally and may have problems sleeping because they believe that they may die in their sleep.)
o You must take care of your mom/dad now. (This is too much pressure on a child-they need to be themselves and mourn in their own way. No one else can take the place of another. A family needs to work together repairing the broken circle. In healthy grief, families need each other and support one another.
o No, you shouldn't see (Name). It's better to remember them the way they were. (This may be true for some children, but for others they need to see for themselves that the person is really dead otherwise they may continually look for them to come home.
o In the case of suicide, NEVER impose your beliefs or even suggest where their loved ones' soul has gone even if you share the same faith. Suicide is cruel. Support your friend as if he has a broken limb. Don't offer any opinions.

SOME CONCLUDING REMARKS

Unfortunately, grief does not go away in a few weeks. Survivors eventually learn to integrate their loss but find there are special times that trigger the sadness. Some of those times are predictable like holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. The days surrounding the one year anniversary of the death can be especially difficult. Other times are not so predictable; the first signs of spring or the smell of fall or even seeing someone in a crowd that resembles the loved one can bring on an overwhelming sadness. Being aware of these times especially the first year and possibly the second can be good times for some special attention from you. A phone call, card, flowers or visit are greatly appreciated by the griever.

If your friend is finding it hard to cope with daily activities and is experiencing extreme sleeping and eating patterns over a long period of time could mean that they could benefit from talking with a clergy person or professional counselor who understands the grieving process. Some people find that support groups like, Make Today Count, Survivors of Suicide or Compassionate Friends are especially helpful.

May you go in peace and find that you are a better person because you took the time, energy and courage to reach out.

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